Soccer Lesson by Evan Oei

I've never known much about the world of soccer. There are a handful of team names that I can recite and that's about it. I've watched the World Cup with friends and pretty much cheered for whoever they wanted me too.

But I'm learning.

Not from watching actual games or following a club, mind you, but from my roommates' incessant devotion to FIFA. They can play for hours, and apparently the unemployed screw-up I've become has nothing better to do than watch. As you can imagine, I've learned a thing or two. Hopefully, what I've picked up from the simulated games can translate into actual football knowledge. Some important lessons:

1.     Belittle Your Opponent: The most important part of soccer is making sure that your rival feels worthless. It's as much a mental game as it is physical. From what I understand the best way to accomplish this is constantly reiterating the fact that the opposing player is "a little bitch."

2.     Curse Loud and Curse Often: The success of your team is directly correlated to the number of times you drop the f-bomb. Raising the volume of your voice and stamping your feet at the same time amplifies your success rate. As a bonus, it's almost guaranteed to improve relations with your downstairs neighbors.

3.     Get Violent When Necessary: If the opposing player scores a goal that you consider "cheap," "unfair," or "total bullshit" but won't admit it, then it is completely within reason to attack them physically. Jumping on them and punching them repeatedly is legal contact.

4.     Gloat After Victory: Winning a match means you are the superior human being. Act accordingly. The status only lasts until the next game which generally occurs immediately after the first.

I admit that there is still a lot I have to learn, but this is a good start. Everyone knows that mastering a sport takes dedication, so I work on skills #1 and #2 even when I'm not on the pitch. In time, I might even be ready to take on Sweater Kid, 2488 Hughes' Resident FIFA master. Until then, I’ll just keep practicing.

-Other Celebrity Guest Blogger Evan Oei of http://2488hughes.wordpress.com/